Make it Without You
by Ahoy-Cinderella
Summary: AU / And then her name was called. She was supposed to speak about him and she didn't know how.


_This is the starting of my greatest fear__  
><em>_I'm all packed up, getting out of here__  
><em>_But then you call and tell me not to go__  
><em>_That I'm the one who put the rock n roll__  
><em>_In your life_

.

Steam began to coat the edges of the large mirror in front of her, she stared deep into her own reflection until her vision blurred. The sink felt damp beneath her hands as the hot water from the shower drowned the small tiled room in a burning mist that made her dizzy, the dark red slipped from her fingers and stained the white porcelain, she blinked hard and help back a sob as she watched the blood mix with the condensation and slither down the sides.

The blood stained her dress, she couldn't tell which handprints were her own and which were his, desperately clawing at her, holding on to her for dear life as he tried to speak.

"_No, no, it's okay…its okay, don't-don't try and speak" She cried, her hand brushing back stray locks of hair from her face, she unknowingly stained the side of her face and neck with his blood._

"_Liv…"_

"_Shh, I know, its…please just…you're gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay" She took a deep breath as fat, blinding tears fell from her eyes. She felt him grab onto her dress, the blush-coloured material crushed in his hand._

_She listened to his strained breathing, his desperate gasps for air, she guessed from the blood filling in his lungs. "You're gonna be okay" She whispered, mainly trying to convince herself more than him. She needed him to survive; she didn't have any other choice. _

"_He's…"_

"_He's fine" She grinned as she swiped the tears from her cheeks "We're fine" She leaned forward on her knees and pressed her mouth to his, leaning her forehead against his own, not caring how many people were watching "You're gonna be okay, Bri, I promise okay?"_

_The sirens blared as the ambulance got closer and closer "Promise me, Bri? Promise me…" She whispered, harshly grabbing his hand and pressing her lips against his knuckles._

"_Promise" He coughed with the cheeky grin he always gave her "Its…" He coughed again, she sobbed harder and her heart dropped to the floor as she noticed the blood around his mouth "Fine…"_

"Liv?" Amanda gently knocked on the bathroom door, wincing a little as the hot fog hit her frame with force as she entered the room.

"Come on," She put her arm around her friends shoulder "Let's get you cleaned up" Amanda gently brushed back Olivia's dark hair from her face, noticing the specs of dried blood on the side of her neck and cheek.

Olivia was still in shock, her body was rigid and she had no clue how to function. She stood stoic in the middle of their bathroom. No. Her bathroom.

She stood in silence as the blonde carefully unzipped the back of her dress and let it drop to the floor before grabbing the tainted material and hastily shoving it into a plastic bag.

"You okay to get in?" Amanda held her elbow as she guided her friend towards the shower, sitting her on a small stool she had placed in the tub.

Her eyes pinched shut as the steaming water cascaded over her head and down her back, the water pelted against her skin as Amanda worked the coconut scented shampoo into her dark hair and she opened her eyes just in time to see it, now tinted red, slip away down the drain and for the first time since they left the hospital, Olivia allowed herself to cry.

_This is the starting of my fall from grace__  
><em>_My self esteem, oh it's seen better days_

The four days following were a blur of exhaustion, nausea and disbelief and as if in the blink of an eye the dreaded morning arrived. Her uniform was pressed and hung on the back of the bedroom door; her shoes lay to the side.

The sound of voices in the next room agitated her; she just wanted to be left alone, in peace. Everything began to sound distorted as she slowly started to get dressed, she sat on the edge of his side of the bed in her underwear, the sheets beneath her were crumpled and tear-stained from the last four days.

"Liv?" A deep, concerned voice faintly broke through the treadmill of grief in her mind and she slowly turned to face the door. "Are you ready? We need to leave soon…"

She shook her head and pressed the heels of her hands to her forehead, silently cursing the world. The photo on the dresser caught her eye and drew her closer; she stood in front of it, her hands reaching of the glass frame, her manicured nail traced the outline of his face, of his sparkling eyes and that stupid face he always pulled in photos due to his hatred of being in front of the camera. He thought that if he pulled a stupid face and ruined the photo, she'd stop asking him but it never worked, the silly pictures were her favourite.

Fifteen minutes had passed and she hadn't even noticed. Another knock at the door and the sound of the door handle twisting made her jump, for a split second she prayed it was him and this was all some disgustingly, cruel April fools joke being played on her in the middle of July.

"Hey" Fin nodded to her and closed the door behind him. "The car's are gonna be here soon…" His voice was far too quiet for her liking; Fin's voice was always strong, rough and proud. She hated the pity and sympathy in his eyes, she hated that she saw it in everyone's eyes. One thing she always hated was when people felt sorry for her.

"I'm almost done" Olivia barely recognised her own voice. She had barely spoken three words in the last few days and it showed. Her voice was scratchy and dry, scarcely detectable as her own.

She straightened her dark skirt and closed the few buttons on her crisp, navy blue shirt. Fin grabbed her uniform blazer and held it open for her "You're gonna be okay, you know?"

Her mouth curved upwards slightly, although the faint smile could be described as anything but happy. "Yeah? How'd you know that?" She questioned as she pulled her hair out and straightened her collar.

"Because you're the strongest person I know" He shrugged.

"I'm not so sure about that anymore" She replied, her voice barely a whisper and she stepped into her black-heeled shoes.

.

If it was possible to drown in tension, Olivia was convinced she was. The tension in the car was overwhelming, she kept her gaze firmly out the window, watching the buildings, cars and people flurrying past as the long black car kept up speed. She heard the tears and sniffles behind her and rolled her eyes as her own tears tried to make their presence known. She quickly wiped at her eyes, hoping no one noticed and continued to gaze out the blacked-out window.

The sunlight was blinding as she stepped out of the car, Cragen held out his arm as he opened the door and helped her out. She watched as the people filtered into the cemetery. Crowds of uniforms and suits, judges and friends made their way to the area when he lay.

She held back for a moment, leaning against the now closed door of the car, watching as his mother and sisters made their way over to the hole in the ground.

"I don think I'm ready for this" She whispered.

"No one is ever ready for this, Olivia" Cragen wrapped his arm around her shoulder "But you can't not say goodbye"

"I shouldn't have to say it, he should still be here"

_Though my body's laying here__  
><em>_It's my mouth that must be lying now_

It amazed her just how many people had turned up, although she knew he was loved by many, it just seemed like so many people, it was hard for her to comprehend.

Olivia slowly walked over and took her place beside his mother who was openly sobbing into a handkerchief. Her eyes fixated on the casket in front of them. There he laid, the love of her life in that wooden box with the gold edges. She moved her gaze and kept her eyes trained on the flowers that surrounded it, she couldn't look at the coffin for much longer, or the giant picture of his face that was placed at the head of it or she would well and truly lose it.

She tried not to laugh at her current image of him and the sound of his voice, complaining how much he would have hated this farce of a funeral. He would've hated the flowers and the song and the words that the priest prayed about how he was now in heaven and god took a good life too soon. He didn't even believe in god and yet he'd been mentioned more than he had and it was his damn funeral.

He would've complained about the amount of faces here and pointed out how many he didn't even know and the others who he knew hated his guts. She knew he would've complained about the entire thing even down to how long the whole freakin' service was taking and that made her smile.

_Oh I'll__  
><em>_Make it without you__  
><em>_In my life__  
><em>_Oh I'll make it without you_

His mother spoke first, each of his sisters by her side as she tearfully spoke of her only son, her youngest child and how he was the light of her life. She spoke sweet stories from his childhood and how he always thought of others and all he wanted to do was be a -in his wonderful, child-like words- a 'police guy super hero' when he grew up.

His sister, Helena was next and she spoke of how supportive he was, how he always had his families back no matter the situation. She spoke of how she teased him in their younger years, she forced him to let her practice her make up techniques on his seven-year-old face and how he threatened to beat up the boy who broke her heart when she was fifteen, despite the fact that he was only nine.

And then her name was called. She was supposed to speak about him and she didn't know how.

"I don't even know what to say" She started and cleared her throat, sending a thanks to a god she didn't believe in that she hadn't started sobbing her eyes out as soon as she opened her mouth.

"I knew I'd be made to speak today and I tried to write something down but I lost track of time. It's a funny thing, death. It does strange things to people. Five days ago, the man I loved, no, the man I _love _and will always love, died, while trying to save me." She shook her head and held the edges of the wooden podium in front of her harder, gripping so tight her knuckles turned white.

"He's an idiot for doing that." She admitted "I hate him for that, because now he's gone and I don't know what to do." She shrugged "I'll be honest, and a few of you know me well enough to know that I've never been one for relationships. Brian changed that and I couldn't even tell you when. I asked a friend what I should say today and he said speak from the heart, just say whatever you want and honestly, I don't want to say anything because that makes all of this real." She shook her head and felt the tears burn her eyes as her gaze fell upon the coffin in front of her.

"Brian was never open with his feelings and all of that, and neither am I. But we were with each other, I remember the first time he told me he loved me. It wasn't some big romantic gesture with flowers and candles and an expensive dinner. It was a Saturday morning and I was in the kitchen washing dishes in my sweats, he came up behind me and kissed the back of my head" She smiled and her fingers drifted to her mouth "He told me he loved me and walked away…" She laughed through her tears "Just like that" Her voice failed and cracked as she watched the congregation laugh and smile "He always knew how to make a bad day better and now all I can think of is how is he meant to make this better?"

She sucked in a deep breath and swiped her tears away "Thank you all for coming." She said quietly as she rushed away from the podium, her hand covering her mouth as she tried to stop herself from bawling her eyes out in front of everyone.

After a few last words from the priest, he was lowered to the ground. She felt her heart drop to the floor as the dark-cherry wood casket disappeared from sight.

All she could hear was footsteps. People came up to her and held her hand or her shoulder, some even pulled her in for a hug, whispered their condolences to her, wishing her well and telling her how he would be sorely missed. But all she could hear was their footsteps echoing along the grass as every last one of them slowly walked through the cemetery, back to their cars, away back to live their normal, every day lives.

With everyone eventually gone, his sister's escorting their heartbroken mother back to the car; she stood in front of the hole in the ground that contained her fiancée.

"We'll give you some time, hon" Amanda gently put her arm around Olivia's back and gently squeezed before she, Amaro and Fin walked off in the direction of the funeral car they arrived in.

"Take as much time as you need" Cragen squeezed the younger woman's hand before taking off behind his other detectives.

.

"I hate you" She whispered, "I hate you, Brian Cassidy."

Her eyes fell to his police uniform cap that was placed on top of the casket. "You promised me, you promised you'd be okay and now look at you, you idiot. You didn't have to be the hero."

She quietly cursed herself and wiped her tears "I don't wanna think about what would've happened if you didn't but now that you're not here, its hard not to."

"I love you, Bri." She pulled out a small photo from her pocket and pressed her lips to it and let it fall in with the coffin. "Always will"

_But you know I'll never let this go to waste__  
><em>_I'll keep this memory on the map I trace__  
><em>_Back to home_

"It's a boy"

Olivia sat in her therapists' office, staring out the window onto the quiet city street. The leaves were turning different shades of oranges, reds and browns, littering the streets, crunching under your feet as you walked.

"He always wanted a son," She whispered, watching a taxicab pull up across the street, an older couple climbed out and made their way into the apartment building.

She rubbed her hands over the mound under her cotton shirt and smiled as she felt a flutter beneath her palms.

"He knew?" Her therapist leaned back in his chair and crossed one leg over the other.

"He knew I was pregnant" She replied, her hands resting underneath her growing bump. "I just found out it was a boy a couple of days ago."

"And how do you feel?"

"He wanted it to be a surprise" She started, deferring the question away from her feelings. "We both did I guess, but I couldn't wait any longer. I just had my six month check-up, everything is fine, and he's healthy and growing well."

"That's fantastic, Olivia" The older man smiled.

"Yeah, it is" The baby boy inside of her kicked which caused her smile to widen and the tears to burn her eyelids "He always wanted a son" She mouthed, her voice barely audible. "He was gonna take him to baseball games and teach him how to play, teach him how to treat girls properly and how to ride a bike…" Her hand brushed over her bump again "And now, because of some junkie with a knife, my son, _our_ son, is growing to grow up without his father"

_Oh I'll make it without you._

_Though my body's laying here__  
><em>_It's my mouth that must be lying now_

Four months later, Olivia laid the baby carrier on the ground at her feet before kissing her fingers and pressing them to the marbled stone in front of them.

"Hey Bri," She said quietly, her eyes drifting to the mound of blue at her feet. "Bri, this is your son"

She wiped the tears from her eyes and leaned down, making sure the blue striped blanket was tucked in tight, keeping their son protected against the February chill.

"He was born nineteen days ago" She smiled "His name is Jackson. Jackson Owen Cassidy."

"You better not hate me for it because you're the one who said you wanted to name him Jackson" She laughed and grinned as their baby boy shifted in his seat, his little eyes fluttering as he woke.

"Hey baby, we'll be home soon" She whispered and gently brushed his tiny cheek with her finger. "We're here to see daddy" She smiled.

"I don't want to keep him out in the cold for too long but we'll come back soon, I promise" She ran her fingers over the top of the headstone once more and placed the white and blue flowers on the ground before lifting the carrier up, hooking it with her left arm.

"I love you"

.

* * *

><p><em>you know what to do.<em>

_lyrics: Make it Without You - Andrew Belle_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


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